Experts say there really is no proper timetable for dating after the loss of a partner; the readiness factor varies significantly from person to person. For every person who’s eager to date again, there’s another who feels entirely squeamish about reentering the world of “swipe left” or “swipe right.”
But the antiquated idea that a bereaved woman needs to observe a formal mourning period has fierce sticking power, said Diane Brennan, a licensed mental health counselor in New York City who facilitates group therapy sessions for widows ages 25 to 40.
“I try to prepare my clients for the possibility of others making comments,” she told HuffPost. “We work on how to best respond when others pass judgment, whether they think you should ‘slow down’ or say ‘don’t worry, you’ll find someone else!’”
Still, it’s hard to push back on the judgment that’s placed on them.
“Honestly, it causes more pain for the griever,” Brennan said. “I wish that people understood that when they offer their commentary.”
All too often, people are responding to what they think they might do in a similar situation, said Allen Klein, author of Embracing Life After Loss: A Gentle Guide for Growing Through Grief.
“Someone might say, ‘Oh, I’d never date so soon after my spouse died,’” he said. “In reality, no one really knows how they would react until the situation actually happens.”
The fact that widows and widowers date earlier than some expect is “no disrespect” to their former partners, Klein said. “It’s just a way [some] deal with the loss. As Kloots said on her talk show, getting out and meeting so many ‘wonderful people’ has been helpful.”
Someone’s readiness to love again may in some ways be a testament to the quality of their marriage, wrote Kerry Phillips, a widow at 32, in her online blog called Young, Widowed and Dating.
“We know the beauty that radiates from a couple in love and what companionship and commitment looks and feels like,” she wrote.
Modern-day widows come up against old expectations.
Kate O’Neill, a a strategy consultant and the author of 2015 memoir Surviving Death, lost her husband of nine years, Karsten, by suicide in 2012. She was 38 at the time. While those close to O’Neill were supportive of her choice to date again, some acquaintances felt differently.
“People who were more casual friends had a harder time, especially if they’d known me and Karsten socially as a couple,” O’Neill told HuffPost.
But O’Neill desperately wanted to meet new men and women, if only just to laugh again. (“Must be funny” was pretty much a prerequisite for a first date candidate.)
“To me, nothing about choosing to date was in any way a negative reflection on how much Karsten meant to me or how profoundly I had been affected by his loss,” she said.
“My intense grief went on in parallel with my instinct to keep myself intact and afloat by trying to have moments of joy and meaning in my life.”
She’s certain those same judgy acquaintances in her life would have felt differently about her decision had she been a guy.
“Some of the attitudes towards widowed women dating feel archaic, as if by definition a woman who has lost her husband has also lost her own role and standing in society,” she said.
For instance, right after Karsten’s death, O’Neill was gifted an old 1970s-era book a friend had found in a secondhand store about widowed women, written by a widow.
“As I read it, I remember feeling surprised by the subtle implications of embarrassment, fear and uselessness that even the author herself seemed to express, apparently without overtly meaning to,” O’Neill said.
As a relatively young widow and a busy entrepreneur, O’Neill was in a different boat socially, financially and psychologically.
“Losing your loved one and your social ties and your economic security and the close companionship you hoped you’d have for the rest of your life is something else entirely,” O’Neill said.
That’s “heartbreaks on top of heartbreak,” she said, but not necessarily reflective of the experiences of many modern-day widows.
The expectation to go slow also discounts an important emotional factor: Many widows are grappling with having been a caretaker to their spouse for years and years before the loss. Some have grieved prematurely and are eager for companionship.
That was the case for Connie, a former flight attendant from Illinois, who joined Match.com about six months after her husband of 22 years died of cancer in January 2017.
“Men and women who’ve lost a spouse are often desperately lonely and craving affection,” she said. “Some in my family judged me, but you have to keep in mind, while a spouse is ill there is no intimacy.”
