A soon-to-be bride is looking for advice online after her fiancée picked someone who is “often hostile” toward her to be a bridesmaid at their wedding this year.
In a post on Reddit’s “Am I the A——?” forum, a woman wrote that she was “currently planning” her wedding to her 26-year-old fiancée, who she called Lola, after having booked their venue, set up its reception and made an effort to “steer away from the traditional wedding” as a lesbian couple. For the festivities, the pair plan on having “one small wedding party of bridesmaids,” featuring six of their best friends, including the Reddit user’s twin sister.
The Reddit user has run into a problem, however, with Lola’s close friend Maia — who Lola has been friends with since they were teenagers and has remained “pretty close” with in the years since.
“I’ve never been the biggest fan of Maia as she often lets Lola down and cancels her plans with her for something more exciting or forgets all together, and particularly when we were younger she would make weird comments about our sexuality (she’s straight) and ask us to kiss in front of her, ask Lola if she has a crush on her and if she wanted to sleep with her etc.,” the Reddit user wrote. “She’s often hostile to me when we see each other, especially when Lola gives attention to me rather than her.”
While the Reddit user expressed her concerns about the friend to Lola in the past, her fiancée responded by telling her “it’s just the way” Maia is and that “that’s just how things go in long-distance friendships.”
Now, Lola has asked Maia to be a bridesmaid without running the idea by her fiancée — who claimed that they “never once discussed Maia being a part of it.” She added that she was “pretty shocked,” as Maia did not ask Lola to be a bridesmaid at her own wedding.
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“She came home from seeing Maia and told me she was gonna be a bridesmaid and we had a big argument because she didn’t ask me first, and she knows that I’m not close to Maia and that she makes me kinda uncomfortable,” the Reddit user wrote. “She said that I should accept Maia being part of the wedding because they’re childhood friends and that it’s only fair considering my sister is a bridesmaid.”
In response, since Maia has made “weird comments” about their relationship in the past and has been “constantly putting down Lola,” the fiancée told Lola they’d need to “split the wedding party in two” if Maia was going to be part of the ceremony.
“She refused to uninvite Maia, so I have left her in charge of sorting which friends are in each wedding party, which she thinks is unfair,” the Reddit user wrote, before asking if she was the “a——” in the situation.
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After another Reddit user asked the bride-to-be if splitting the bridesmaids would “actually achieve anything,” she confirmed that it would lead to the couple to “probably” not “seeing much of the other half of our friend group” during the day. “It’s a bad situation all round as Lola now has to pick and choose between our friends who we’re equally close with which sucks,” she wrote. “But yeah, it is my way of taking a stand.”
Ultimately, other commenters appeared to agree that the Reddit user was “not the a——” in the situation, with one reiterating that Lola “quietly asked someone else” to be a bridesmaid “without talking to you.”
“It seems like she purposefully went about it this way to take the question off the table or to remove your opportunity to object, which is uncool,” they wrote.
“Given the way you describe the wedding, you are not just each choosing your respective bridal parties but have made decisions about your ‘attendants’ together being essentially one large group you’re both close to,” they added. “This is a conflict between you and your fiancée, and it was a chance to work through something constructively, which your fiancée bypassed, and that’s unfortunate.”
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While the commenter wrote that “the bride and groom would each choose their attendants and probably would not expect to ‘veto’ one another’s selections” in a “traditional, hetero” wedding, it would still be “problematic” to pick someone who is “actively hostile” toward your partner.
“Unfortunately, you have a fiancée problem. I’m sure you’ll overcome this, but she is still, it seems, really heavily influenced by Maia (quite possibly she felt pressured to invite her to be a BM when they met up…) and somewhat blind to the negativity she brings into BOTH your lives,” she wrote.
The user continued, “To me, your fiancée should be putting your comfort above her desire to have Maia in this honored position, but if she was communicating to you about it more, you might have come to feel comfortable with it.”
Other users felt similarly, with one writing that it is “very weird to ask someone to be a part of a wedding that your future spouse doesn’t get along with.”
