Anthony Edwards and Balaam, who brought his ass. Photo by David Berding/Getty Images/Wikimedia Commons/Canva
By PJ Pigs
May 22, 2024
Timberwolves guard Anthony Edwards has supplied his adopted state of Minnesota with a new, lightly NSFW, tagline for tourism.
“Bring ya ass” to MinnesotaEdwards told Charles Barkley in an instant meme, after the Wolves beat out the Denver Nuggets to advance to the Western Conference Finals. He was likely speaking anatomically, but the command recalls a memorable anecdote from the Torah, involving victory, prophets and one of the only instances of a talking animal in biblical literature.
In Numbers, after the Israelites have won handily against a number of enemy armies, a rival king in Moab sends messengers to a diviner named Balaam, requesting that he curse the Hebrew people. (Those invested in professional sports may trade in similar superstition).
Balaam refused to go with them, saying he couldn’t do anything God didn’t rubber stamp first. But then God came to him in a dream and told him he could head out with Moabite messengers in the morning, provided he didn’t do anything God didn’t tell him to.
But when Balaam saddled his she-ass, God decided he was big mad about this excursion and sent a holy messenger with a big ol’ sword to get in his way.
Naturally this scared Balaam’s donkey, and the ass tried to avoid this biblically accurate angel. But the angel, not unlike Edwards, had a pretty solid defense game and kept on getting in the way of the ass, who responded by swerving into a field and then against a wall. For that, Balaam throttled the ass a couple times. He didn’t see the angel in their path.
Finally the ass laid down and Balaam hit her with a stick. When that happened, God opened the donkey’s mouth and made her say, “Why did you hit me three times?”
Balaam basically said, “You’re embarrassing me — if I had a sword I’d make donkey kebabs.”
To this, the ass replied, “Hey, you know me. I don’t usually act this way, do I?”
Balaam admitted that she didn’t and finally God made it so Balaam could see the angel that had been standing in the way the whole time. And the angel said, essentially, “You’re lucky you have a nice ass or I would have iced you.”
In the end, Balaam was able, with God’s blessing, to bring his ass to Bamoth-baal, an elevated point in Moab that may or may not be the biblical equivalent of Minneapolis. Barkley has already made the journey, only slightly less treacherous in this era of collapsing Boeing airplanes.
Balaam’s ass, the only talking animal in the Hebrew Bible after the serpent, has for millennia sparked the imagination of artists from Rembrandt to Shrek creator William Steig.
But when it comes to the North Star State, Edwards’ quotable continues a tradition set by another son of Minnesota, Prince, whose 1983 song “Wonderful Ass” was often bootlegged before its official release in 2017.
Should the Timberwolves bring their butts to the championship, it would be a fitting anthem for their triumph — and I’m not just talking out my ass.
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